In Memoriam

The Sunday that began this week was just right in an unusual way. Blue skies and white clouds beautifully decorated the heavens. The sun shone on everything in such a way that made the entire outside seem not just bright, but cheery. The weather was comfortably mild. Birds chirped in the morning air. As I stepped outside I could not help but think, “How sweet. How absolutely, wonderfully, perfect.”  The plan was to visit my Aunt for the day and go home to enjoy the rest of the extended holiday weekend in relaxation.  Then I got the call. My Aunt passed in her sleep that morning. Around the time when I was outside feeling tranquil, serene and at one with the Universe, my Aunt was passing on from this life. We had been very close during her lifetime. In fact, she was the maternal Aunt I was closest to.  When I got the news I was grief-stricken. Tears and sadness poured out of me. Today I have finally had a moment, literally, just a single moment -the week has been very busy planning her memorial service- to reflect on her life. My Aunt was a sterling example of resilience and forgiveness. She lived a full life but there were many disappointments, heartaches and losses. Yet she closed her eyes at peace and without bitterness toward anyone. Her life was directly impacted by domestic violence and other tragedies. However, she always counted her blessings. Today I share with you a very important lesson my Aunt bestowed on me –among many others. No matter what has happened to us, one of the biggest favors we can do for ourselves is have a positive perspective. Depending on how we choose to look at life, the glass can be either half-empty or half-full.  The way we see things plays a large part in our happiness. It’s not what we have, but how we feel about what we have. Some people are miserable with “everything” and others are joyful with “nothing”. ©2013 Joy Lyn

The Face in the Mirror

Most people want to love and be loved. What is the quality of your closest relationships like? It is necessary to examine our relationship(s) with the people closest to us. Are they fulfilling? Is there a healthy dynamic? Do our intimate relationships have a toxic effect on us? Is the exchange in these relationships mutual? Do we feel drained when we leave those we are closest to?  

                While a look at those we are connected to is helpful, even more critical is a self-examination.  What models of interpersonal interaction did we see coming up? Do we have trust issues with people? Are we hyper-sensitive? The answer to these questions could be yes, especially after experiencing a violation of our human rights through the damage inflicted by domestic violence.

                I struggle with low-self esteem. The lack of self-worth I fight to overcome has had a ripple effect permeating every relationship I have. Awareness has helped me to try to adjust this aspect of my personality.  As a result of trying to overcompensate for voids created by the hurtful experiences I’ve had, I tend to cling to people and develop a sort of codependency on them for approval and love. 

                Through spirituality, therapy, self-help books, support groups and loving souls who I’ve been fortunate to cross paths with, I’ve made a lot of progress in identifying why I struggle with self-love and how to apply constructive ways to learn how to love myself in a balanced, positive way.

                A realization that I must learn to love myself before seeking a loving, intimate relationship with someone else has been life-affirming.  If you have not yet done an honest self-examination about your relationship with you, try one today. I once heard it put this way: when you look in the mirror, if you don’t like something you see, you make an adjustment. Similarly, if you don’t like what you find when you examine your inner self, pursue avenues to change it for the better.
©2013 Joy Lyn

The Aftermath

Domestic violence survivors tend to suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder also known as PTSD. PTSD is formally defined as a collection of symptoms that afflict a person following a devastating event in their life.  An extremely helpful resource in recovering from a domestic violence situation is the book “Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence; A Workbook for Women.” (Kubany, McCaig & Laconsay). It states, “women who have been physically or emotionally abused by intimate partners often experience PTSD. PTSD is a normal reaction to extreme stress.  You are having these problems because of what happened to you – not because of anything about you. PTSD is a collection or set of problems  that tend to cluster or occur together as a syndrome – just like the flu is characterized by a collection of symptoms that occur together.”  PTSD sufferers do have hope. There is plenty of treatment and support available. The first key is recognizing the signs. Symptoms vary and include -but are not limited to- "reliving the abuse; feeling detached or cut off from other people; feeling emotionally numb (following the end of my marriage to an abusive man I could not cry for an entire year); trouble falling or staying asleep; feeling irritable or angry; difficulty concentrating; being hyperalert; and constantly feeling on edge". To recover fully from the effects of trauma, you need to become your own strongest advocate.  Avail yourself to help. There is plenty out there. ©2013 Joy Lyn

Food to the Soul

                Love is powerful. Love has the ability to heal.  My mother reminded me of this when I was once in the throes of the most wrenching heartache I’d ever experienced in my entire life. I wasn’t getting the point so she reminded me of my puppy. Despite being a dog lover, I was totally opposed to being a pet owner. I didn’t want the responsibility.  All my reservation melted completely away once I laid eyes on him.  He was the most adorable, sweet, precious pup I’d ever seen.  I fell in love immediately.  Next thing I knew I had signed the adoption papers and a new lease on life.  We bonded instantly. The shelter I adopted him from allowed me to take him out to the field next to its building and run around and romp and play. A short time later we were in the car riding home. My husband drove, while I sat in the backseat with the puppy nestled on my lap.  A few days after having him home I noticed that my new friend was sneezing phlegm.  I took him to the vet and he was diagnosed with kennel cough. Thankfully I was on vacation from work and used my days to stay home and nurse him back to full health. My Mom told me the key to him getting better was not just diligent caregiving but love. She said his physical health was not just renewed, but his spirit. He’d gone from a timid, nervous little thing, to a vocal, thriving character. The love fed his soul. Zora Neal Hurston probably put it best when she said, “love makes your soul crawl out of its hiding place.” I long to experience the type of love that will do for me, what my love did for my precious pup. As I work on recovery from effects of the abuse I’ve experienced in my past, I am learning that in order to attract the love I yearn for, I first have to love myself. When we love ourselves the right way, we tend to attract people who will do the same – love us the right way. ©2013 Joy Lyn

A Time to Heal

Welcome. Whoever you are, hopefully you gain some sort of benefit -whether positive, inspirational, thought-provoking, or all of the above- from the posts that will be shared here. If you are an abuse survivor, a special welcome goes to you. I am one too. For those battling some sort of addiction, a lot of the strategies that help addicts in their recovery help domestic violence survivors as well. Even if you are not an addict or domestic violence survivor, we all have some sort of battle scars. Hopefully the worst is behind us and the best is yet to come. A dear friend of mine loves to say, “may the best of your past, be the worst of your future.” In other words, may things just get better with time.  We are all works in progress, but there comes a point after the abuse, when we are able to and need to seize control of our well being. The time to heal is not tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. The time to heal is now. Let us strive to do so, One Day at a Time. ©2013 Joy Lyn