Last night I was in one of those moods trauma survivors tend to get into. A woe-is-me, self-pity fest. I felt unlovable, unloved and worthlessly low. Since the end of my abusive marriage I have not found the nourishing, restorative love in a mate my heart has longed for. I started playing the self doubt script my ex often fed me: "who will want you?" "you are not worthy" and more negative thoughts. Who would want me? What good was I? I began to relent. At that point I just so happened to walk into the living room and a program of the Oprah Winfrey show called "Where Are They Now?" was airing. Oprah was featuring a female guest whose name I missed. The woman was attractive, appeared to be in her early to mid-40's and looked like the picture of health. Something about her demeanor as Oprah questioned her, made me stop and watch. She was poised, confident and looked like a woman of stature. I was shocked to learn that she was living with HIV which she unknowingly contracted from her bisexual husband. The woman said, for a period she thought her life was in permanent shambles. She summoned all the support and strength she could muster though and filed for divorce and a lawsuit against her maniacal partner. The lawsuit was still pending, and as yet she had received no financial settlement. She did however, receive something much greater than she could have ever expected in the form of divine justice. At her darkest point, the woman, who'd always dreamed of bearing children and raising a family did not deprive herself of believing in the impossible. She kept her heart and mind open to the best possible outcome in her life. Well, she found a partner who loved her in spite of her illness even after she was honest with him about her status and her desires. They consulted medical experts and asked about making conception possible for them both. She and her new love were able to conceive a baby who was fortunately born HIV-negative and is not only healthy but the spitting-image of her mother. In what could have been her most horrific pitfall, this woman found not only hope but a purpose. She now has a foundation to help women living with HIV and AIDS. After watching that program, my initially mountain-like seeming obstacles no longer loomed but shrank as small as a molehill. If this woman could find herself deserving and hopeful of love in the most unlikely of circumstances, surely I could. No miracle change happened overnight, I was not suddenly afloat with optimism, but I was given a glimmer of hope that I pass on to you. No matter how bad things seem, remember, the night is always darkest just before dawn. You could be on the verge of a breakthrough if you do not break down.
©Joy Lyn 2014
