The Difference

Scars left on one's soul, often outlast those left on one's body.
©Joy Lyn 2013

Easier Said Than Done

The first step to change is awareness.
©Joy Lyn 2013

In the Grand Scheme of Things

"We make plans, while God laughs." - Author Unknown

The Smell of Freedom

“Freedom does not always announce itself with parade and fireworks.” – Elaine Weiss

Smell has such strong association for people.  In my early twenties the smells of my childhood were a source of comfort as I navigated the uncertain and sometimes rocky path(s) of young adulthood. One such comfort was a specific hair moisturizer my Mom used on my hair.  It had a distinct and strong smell that pleased my senses. I used it on my hair and delighted in the fragrance each time I applied it.  What I didn’t realize to be an abusive warning sign my fiancé exhibited was the fact that he forbid me to use the product anymore. Something that brought me such simple pleasure! And that wasn’t the only thing. I was also told to enjoy as much incense as I could while we were engaged because once we got married I would no longer be permitted to burn incense in our home.  His tendencies were not blaring signs to me. Abuse was a familiar and “normal”, albeit unwelcome, pattern in my life. I had seen my mother and her sister, my Auntie Lo, experience emotional and mental abuse from the men they loved. I loved and respected these two women and they loved me. They were my examples of how women were to function with men. And I don’t fault them. They saw their mother –my grandmother – beaten and tormented by their father.  It is necessary to give the context of my background to explain why I would’ve been more alarmed, had I known better, but I didn’t. And so I allowed this man to embark on a gradual chipping away at the pieces of my self-esteem that comprised my true identity. Little by little he would wear down who I was as he tried to reconstruct me into some “better” version of myself.  In his eyes, I was too bookish. Too introverted. Too boring.  Too quiet. Too basic. To him, nothing about me measured up.  All he saw in me was potential. Potential that never seemed to graduate to what he deemed the appropriate standard of what a woman should be. If only I could become who he molded me to be, then everything would be better. He wouldn’t have to be so unhappy with me. So on edge. So annoyed. So ill at ease. It was my fault that things were not the way they should be. He was only trying to help me, he said.  As more and more of me wore away, the parts of me I didn’t lose started to become the opposite of who I truly was.  When I finally broke free from his tyranny, I didn’t have a divorce party, a huge declaration or a large celebration.  On the contrary, I went and bought myself a jar of the hair care moisturizer my mother used on me as a little girl. I purchased a pack of my favorite, sweet smelling incense. I went home. Home. Where I now had peace of mind and solace, instead of insanity and discord. I lit my incense then styled my hair and let the wonderful smells fill my senses. I had my first taste of freedom through those lovely scents.  ©2013 Joy Lyn

Scars are Proof of Healing

I adopted my dog from a pet shelter. When I got him he was timid, fearful and anxious. A month from today it will have been eight years since he joined my family. He is now a secure, playful and loved pet whose past is mostly behind him.  I say mostly because there is a part of his past that still remains. When I first got him the shelter knew little about his background. Over time I have been able to discern some of what may have happened to him based on his behavior. He is frightened of thunder – that may be true of dogs in general – but his reaction to it is complete distress. At the booming sound that may or may not accompany lightning, he trembles and quakes with fear of harm.  If someone raises a hand at him, he automatically assumes it is to strike him and he crouches down.  He absolutely dislikes rain and if it is steady and heavy will refuse to go to the bathroom on a walk. I have surmised that at some point during his past, he was mistreated. Living in a household where he has received abundant love, affection and care for much longer than he was mistreated may have helped heal whatever trauma he experienced, but there are still emotional scars.

            This is not unlike the experience of us DV survivors. We may heal, grow, recover but our scars – however light and barely visible – remain. Physical healing takes place in layers, so too does emotional healing. We need to be gentle with ourselves and remember that our pasts have made us need a bit more tender loving care than the next person and that’s okay.  There is nothing shameful in making this admission, it is just part of our personal truth based on the experiences we have had that were out of control. We must be the primary advocates of dispensing this much needed treatment to ourselves; then receiving it from external sources will be a luxury. Take time to give yourself peace, calm and even some indulgence. Life is harried, stressful and demanding. It is critical to ensure that we balance all those demands out with some tranquility. We are worth it. ©2013 Joy Lyn

Whom You Least Expect

Dear Readers,

                My hiatus was not voluntary or intentional. I missed creating pieces for you to read. My thoughts were continual but circumstance did not permit me to blog. I would like to dedicate this particular entry to someone who made an imprint on my life. The message I want to share today is: domestic violence does not discriminate. Yes, there are statistics and demographics out there that say that a certain type of woman is more likely to be affected by D.V. than others but truthfully, D.V. can and does cross all types of socio-economic, racial, age and cultural lines.  No different from any other plague, it does not care who it attacks.  About a week ago, I had the displeasure of stumbling upon the unfortunate news that a woman I knew for just over a decade, was murdered in cold blood by her husband at her thriving place of business before he took his own life.  To learn that she was enduring domestic violence is still something I am trying to process. She had the appearance of being near-perfect. She was a well-paid professional, married, a mother, confident, feisty. In her presence I sometimes felt less than -at no fault of her own- it was due to my own insecurity.  She was just that together. This lovely lady was the last person most people who knew her would’ve thought was enduring domestic violence. We certainly didn’t think it would claim her life.  With all the resources she had access to, I am forced to wonder why she didn’t seek outside help for her plight before it was too late. Pride? Shame?  Confusion? It is best to refrain from making judgments about others based on appearance, you never know what someone is really enduring underneath the surface. The woman you think has it all may be crying herself to sleep at night. ©2013 Joy Lyn

In Memoriam

The Sunday that began this week was just right in an unusual way. Blue skies and white clouds beautifully decorated the heavens. The sun shone on everything in such a way that made the entire outside seem not just bright, but cheery. The weather was comfortably mild. Birds chirped in the morning air. As I stepped outside I could not help but think, “How sweet. How absolutely, wonderfully, perfect.”  The plan was to visit my Aunt for the day and go home to enjoy the rest of the extended holiday weekend in relaxation.  Then I got the call. My Aunt passed in her sleep that morning. Around the time when I was outside feeling tranquil, serene and at one with the Universe, my Aunt was passing on from this life. We had been very close during her lifetime. In fact, she was the maternal Aunt I was closest to.  When I got the news I was grief-stricken. Tears and sadness poured out of me. Today I have finally had a moment, literally, just a single moment -the week has been very busy planning her memorial service- to reflect on her life. My Aunt was a sterling example of resilience and forgiveness. She lived a full life but there were many disappointments, heartaches and losses. Yet she closed her eyes at peace and without bitterness toward anyone. Her life was directly impacted by domestic violence and other tragedies. However, she always counted her blessings. Today I share with you a very important lesson my Aunt bestowed on me –among many others. No matter what has happened to us, one of the biggest favors we can do for ourselves is have a positive perspective. Depending on how we choose to look at life, the glass can be either half-empty or half-full.  The way we see things plays a large part in our happiness. It’s not what we have, but how we feel about what we have. Some people are miserable with “everything” and others are joyful with “nothing”. ©2013 Joy Lyn

The Face in the Mirror

Most people want to love and be loved. What is the quality of your closest relationships like? It is necessary to examine our relationship(s) with the people closest to us. Are they fulfilling? Is there a healthy dynamic? Do our intimate relationships have a toxic effect on us? Is the exchange in these relationships mutual? Do we feel drained when we leave those we are closest to?  

                While a look at those we are connected to is helpful, even more critical is a self-examination.  What models of interpersonal interaction did we see coming up? Do we have trust issues with people? Are we hyper-sensitive? The answer to these questions could be yes, especially after experiencing a violation of our human rights through the damage inflicted by domestic violence.

                I struggle with low-self esteem. The lack of self-worth I fight to overcome has had a ripple effect permeating every relationship I have. Awareness has helped me to try to adjust this aspect of my personality.  As a result of trying to overcompensate for voids created by the hurtful experiences I’ve had, I tend to cling to people and develop a sort of codependency on them for approval and love. 

                Through spirituality, therapy, self-help books, support groups and loving souls who I’ve been fortunate to cross paths with, I’ve made a lot of progress in identifying why I struggle with self-love and how to apply constructive ways to learn how to love myself in a balanced, positive way.

                A realization that I must learn to love myself before seeking a loving, intimate relationship with someone else has been life-affirming.  If you have not yet done an honest self-examination about your relationship with you, try one today. I once heard it put this way: when you look in the mirror, if you don’t like something you see, you make an adjustment. Similarly, if you don’t like what you find when you examine your inner self, pursue avenues to change it for the better.
©2013 Joy Lyn

The Aftermath

Domestic violence survivors tend to suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder also known as PTSD. PTSD is formally defined as a collection of symptoms that afflict a person following a devastating event in their life.  An extremely helpful resource in recovering from a domestic violence situation is the book “Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence; A Workbook for Women.” (Kubany, McCaig & Laconsay). It states, “women who have been physically or emotionally abused by intimate partners often experience PTSD. PTSD is a normal reaction to extreme stress.  You are having these problems because of what happened to you – not because of anything about you. PTSD is a collection or set of problems  that tend to cluster or occur together as a syndrome – just like the flu is characterized by a collection of symptoms that occur together.”  PTSD sufferers do have hope. There is plenty of treatment and support available. The first key is recognizing the signs. Symptoms vary and include -but are not limited to- "reliving the abuse; feeling detached or cut off from other people; feeling emotionally numb (following the end of my marriage to an abusive man I could not cry for an entire year); trouble falling or staying asleep; feeling irritable or angry; difficulty concentrating; being hyperalert; and constantly feeling on edge". To recover fully from the effects of trauma, you need to become your own strongest advocate.  Avail yourself to help. There is plenty out there. ©2013 Joy Lyn

Food to the Soul

                Love is powerful. Love has the ability to heal.  My mother reminded me of this when I was once in the throes of the most wrenching heartache I’d ever experienced in my entire life. I wasn’t getting the point so she reminded me of my puppy. Despite being a dog lover, I was totally opposed to being a pet owner. I didn’t want the responsibility.  All my reservation melted completely away once I laid eyes on him.  He was the most adorable, sweet, precious pup I’d ever seen.  I fell in love immediately.  Next thing I knew I had signed the adoption papers and a new lease on life.  We bonded instantly. The shelter I adopted him from allowed me to take him out to the field next to its building and run around and romp and play. A short time later we were in the car riding home. My husband drove, while I sat in the backseat with the puppy nestled on my lap.  A few days after having him home I noticed that my new friend was sneezing phlegm.  I took him to the vet and he was diagnosed with kennel cough. Thankfully I was on vacation from work and used my days to stay home and nurse him back to full health. My Mom told me the key to him getting better was not just diligent caregiving but love. She said his physical health was not just renewed, but his spirit. He’d gone from a timid, nervous little thing, to a vocal, thriving character. The love fed his soul. Zora Neal Hurston probably put it best when she said, “love makes your soul crawl out of its hiding place.” I long to experience the type of love that will do for me, what my love did for my precious pup. As I work on recovery from effects of the abuse I’ve experienced in my past, I am learning that in order to attract the love I yearn for, I first have to love myself. When we love ourselves the right way, we tend to attract people who will do the same – love us the right way. ©2013 Joy Lyn

A Time to Heal

Welcome. Whoever you are, hopefully you gain some sort of benefit -whether positive, inspirational, thought-provoking, or all of the above- from the posts that will be shared here. If you are an abuse survivor, a special welcome goes to you. I am one too. For those battling some sort of addiction, a lot of the strategies that help addicts in their recovery help domestic violence survivors as well. Even if you are not an addict or domestic violence survivor, we all have some sort of battle scars. Hopefully the worst is behind us and the best is yet to come. A dear friend of mine loves to say, “may the best of your past, be the worst of your future.” In other words, may things just get better with time.  We are all works in progress, but there comes a point after the abuse, when we are able to and need to seize control of our well being. The time to heal is not tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. The time to heal is now. Let us strive to do so, One Day at a Time. ©2013 Joy Lyn